Katlego Sekhu
Anonymous has been the primary caregiver for her mother-in-law for the past three years. When her mother-in-law suffered a stroke, Anonymous stepped in willingly. Her husband is the firstborn, she was not working at the time, and it made sense for his mother to move into their home. Her sister-in-law has played her part too, taking her mother every other weekend so the responsibility is shared.
What Anonymous did not anticipate was that the marriage would unravel while the caregiving arrangement stayed in place. Late last year her husband became unfaithful. Last month he moved out of the family home. The financial support has continued, but the day-to-day responsibility of caring for his mother remains entirely with her.
Anonymous describes herself as emotionally drained and beginning to feel resentful, not because she has stopped caring for her mother-in-law, but because she is doing so alone while her marriage falls apart around her.
Reaching out to The Best T in the City with Tbose, Anonymous wants to know if there are any blind spots she might be missing and whether a caregiving commitment made inside a marriage still belongs to her once the husband has chosen to leave.
“Uncle T, something has been weighing heavily on me. About three years ago, my mother-in-law suffered a stroke. My husband is the firstborn, and at the time I wasn’t working, so I decided she should come live with us so I could help care for her. My sister-in-law was supportive of this arrangement, and she also plays her part by taking her mother every other weekend so we share the responsibility. Late last year, my husband started being unfaithful, and last month he made the decision to move out of our home.
“Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the years. I’ve mostly been a stay-at-home wife and mom due to short-term contracts that eventually ended, and I think he eventually felt like he was carrying most of the financial responsibility, which may have affected our connection.
“Even though we are now separated in practice, I am still the one taking care of his mother in our home. I’m starting to feel emotionally drained and even resentful. Not because I don’t care for her – I do – but because I feel like I’m still carrying a role in this family while my own marriage is falling apart.
“He still provides financially and covers what he used to, but the day-to-day responsibility of his mother is still with me, and I was the one who brought her into our home to begin with. So l’m left wondering, how can he leave me here with her while he chose to move out?
“Or does my decision to look after her still stand regardless of what is happening in my marriage? And If a marriage breaks down and the husband moves out, does the responsibility of caring for his family still remain with the wife because she once accepted it – or does it shift back to him the moment he leaves the marital home?”
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