Losing sexual desire may not mean you no longer love your partner

By: Natasha Archary

We all experience dry spells. Married or not. There may be months where all you seem to want to do is frolic around with your person and then weeks where you don’t want any intimacy. Losing your sex drive is often not a sign that you no longer love your partner.

Sexual appetite and a healthy desire for physical intimacy go far deeper than that. Both men and women can experience a low sex drive. In a study conducted on 10 000 adults between the ages of 16 and 74 years, who had at least one sexual partner in the past year, 15% of men and more than 34% of women, reported having no interest in sex.

Low libido differs between genders

Popping a blue pill may work on men, but the solution for a woman’s sex drive is a bit more complicated than that. According to psychologist Sheryl Kingsberg, a woman’s sexuality tends to be multifaceted and fairly complicated. Unlike erectile dysfunction, it’s something that cannot be turned on by magic potions.

For women, sex changes after having a baby. “Mom-bod” insecurities and a general feeling that her body is no longer her own can weigh heavily on a woman’s sexual desire. Something men don’t need to worry about. The psychological factors around sexual libido usually have nothing to do with one’s partner.

Mental health has been the focus of late. Many calling for the end of stigmatizing a person’s emotional vulnerabilities, depression and anxiety. Sex will not help them through the pit of darkness and it is insensitive to suggest that a quickie will make them feel better.

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Other factors affecting sex drive

Sexuality is a very subjective matter. Some people get aroused purely by visual stimuli as an example. Watching porn will be a catalyst and put them in “the mood.” Sapiosexuals on the other hand require a certain level of intellectual stimulation.

Draw them into a healthy discussion about geo-politics or engaging debate on a favourite author or book and it could send them into sexual overdrive. You were able to turn on their mind more than their body and this is a feat they consider a tremendous achievement and may want to reward you.

The point is that what works for one person will most likely not work for another. For some, a late sexual identity may factor into the equation. Miley Cyrus recently came spoke about still feeling attracted to both men and women. This, despite being married to Hunger Games actor, Liam Hemsworth. Identifying as a pansexual, it means she has romantic associations with women as well.

Basically, the issue of sex drive is not as textbook as “Boy meets girl. Boy loves girl. Boy marries girl. And they live happily ever after.”

Remember there are people who have no sexual desire and are not attracted to either men or women. An asexual may still have romantic feelings for their partner but will not want to engage in any physical contact.

What does it mean?

It means that the reasons for your partner’s lack of interest in sex may be bigger than the both of you but this is not a direct reflection of how they feel about you. Your partner may love you with every fibre of their being but may just have no desire to do the naked tango with you.

In many cultures a man takes the lead in the bedroom. It happens when he wants, where he wants, how he wants it, for how long he wants it and until he’s satisfied. A woman’s needs, wants, desires are often not met. This could be a major factor with why your partner no longer wants to have sex with you.

In some cases, it’s just a simple matter of switching things up and allowing her to take the lead a bit. But if the low libido persists for months and it feels like there is nothing that can resolve the drought, consult with a sexual health expert.

Love no longer lives here…

Other influences

Chronic medication
Alcohol and drug abuse
Low testosterone levels
Chronic illnesses such as diabetes and cancer
Age
Depression
Low self esteem
Poor diet
Too little or too much exercise

Treating a low sexual desire depends on the underlying issue. If it’s a symptom of the chronic medication you’re on, speak to your doctor about switching up your treatment or enquire about a solution. If it’s a result of body image insecurities, take steps to get into the shape you feel sexiest.

Sex is one of the biggest contributors to relationships and marriages falling apart. Although sex is not an indication of how a person feels about you, think no-strings attached arrangements, many base a healthy relationship on how good or bad the sex is.

Also read: “My mother’s new man wants to move into our home” – The Blind Spot

Written by: Natasha

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