Anonymous feels betrayed and deeply hurt because her daughter is using her own money to fund her father’s lobola celebrations a financial milestone they could never afford when they were married.
By Zuko Komisa
Anonymous is caught in a deeply painful emotional conflict after her daughter offered to use her own money to help fund her ex-husband’s upcoming lobola celebrations for his new partner.
Having endured a bitter divorce and single-handedly carried the daily responsibilities of raising their daughter while her ex-husband could not afford a proper wedding for them years ago.
Anonymous feels a profound sense of betrayal and erasure seeing her daughter financially invest in a milestone she never received.
She is torn between acknowledging her daughter’s loving intention to honor a devoted father and wrestling with her own lingering resentment, leaving her to question whether her hurt is a natural scar of past sacrifices or an unfair imposition on her daughter’s relationship with her father.
“Uncle T, my husband and I divorced when our daughter was 12. It was a bitter divorce, and I won’t pretend he was an easy man to live with. We argued constantly, and eventually agreed that separating was better for everyone. Our daughter stayed with me, but she maintained a close and healthy relationship with her father. He remarried a few years later, and it was concerning how quickly he moved on.
But I never stood in the way of their relationship. His second marriage also ended. For the past few years, he’s been in another relationship, and from what I understand, things are going well. He’s been wanting to pay lobola for his new partner, but he was retrenched and had to use his payout to settle debts and other financial obligations. Recently, my daughter told me she wants to contribute towards her father’s lobola celebrations. Uncle T, that shook me. Her explanation is that her father has been under financial pressure and that she wants to help him begin this new chapter of his life. She believes he’s finally found a woman who understands him and has stood by him through difficult times. She also sees this as a way of thanking her father for always being present in her life, both financially and emotionally.
I understand her reasoning, but I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt and disappoint. When her father and I got married, we couldn’t afford the wedding we wanted. We had a small ceremony and postponed many of our plans because money was tight. Now, years later, our daughter wants to help him give another woman the celebration we couldn’t afford. I still can’t reconcile why her gesture feels like betrayal.
Uncle T, I know she wants to do right by her father. He has always been there for her, and I’ve never tried to take that away from him. But knowing that doesn’t make this any easier. I also raised our daughter. I was there for the everyday struggles, the school mornings, the difficult teenage years and everything that came with being the parent she lived with. Now I have to watch her use her own money to help her father start another marriage. Am I the only one who sees how unfair this is to her? I know our divorce happened years ago. Is it fair for me to expect my daughter to consider my feelings when she wants to do something good for her father? Or am I questioning her loyalty, instead of allowing her to love both her parents without choosing sides
-Annonymous”
Listen to the podcast for the full conversation. Kaya 959 podcasts are available to download.
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