Kaya Drive: The fear of being lonely may be why people settle

By: Natasha Archary

“Do we need somebody? Just to feel like we’re alright. Or is the only reason you’re holding me tonight, because we’re scared to be lonely?” ~Martin Garrix~

Love is blind they say. When you truly fall in love with someone, it’s effortless. Their flaws are masked in the strength of your bond. All you see is a future. Together.

Rose-tinted glasses may be fashionable but they won’t do much good in a relationship with blurred lines.

We all know that one friend who seems to gravitate towards the “wrong type.” Despite messing up on numerous occasions, they kiss and make up every single time. This might be the perfect time to do some reflecting on your own relationship and answer the Kaya Drive question this Monday, “Is your fear of being lonely the reason you’re settling?”

Listen to the team weigh in on the fear of being lonely:

Scared to be lonely

You’re not the only one. In a survey where 3000 people rated their “fear of being single”, a majority of the participants preferred to be in a relationship than being labelled single.

Men and women alike were complacent in their current relationships. Despite the mediocre bonds which left many unsatisfied and with a clear indication that they were worlds apart, many choose to stay.

Stephanie Spielmann, a postdoctoral fellow in social psychology, along with other researchers, set up a mock dating site. All in a bid to track the likelihood of lonely hearts settling for someone who is a clear mismatch. Personality aside, the profiles were altered with biographies that claimed a strictly “no hook-up” policy.

Physical attributes did not factor in for more than half of the group. A whopping 54% of those surveyed, selecting profiles based on interest in a full-on relationship. That’s huge. It says that people are willing to ignore physical chemistry altogether if it means a person is open to the idea of going steady from the get-go.

Key contributors

Lori Gottlieb, author of “Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr Good Enough”, says that it is one of the most complicated and painful decisions many singles wrestle with. Toying with the idea of remaining single or jumping into a relationship for the sake of belonging.

It may not seem like it but the pressure to settle can be overwhelming. We’re led to believe that a long-term relationship that leads to marriage and the notion of forever is what we should strive towards. Conditioned into believing this is what is considered normal for any human being who has matured and is an adult.

“It’s the fundamental milestones to life on earth and we are not complete until we find that connection. We view it as being imperative to our existence, co-creation and all that.”

A recent set of studies alludes to this innate desire for human beings to have an intimate relationship. With the fear of being single driving up anxiety and depression statistics the world over, many would rather be in a relationship, having someone to come home to and drive away the loneliness than admit they are not happy.

The exception to the rule

Ever heard about the 80/20 rule? The rule basically sets in stone that compromise is what any good relationship is. You find someone who is 80% everything you’re looking for in a partner, but it’s that 20% that is the deciding factor to how happy you will be.

This is a generic rule and the numbers may differ. Some people may find themselves in a relationship where it’s the other way around. Can you imagine being with someone who is only 20% of the person you envision as a life partner?

This means you’re compromising on practically every aspect of your relationship. Do you have anything in common? Or was it simply a case of convenience? That the both of you were available when you met and thought, ah to hell with it, you’re single, I’m single let’s just go with it.

Of course, modern-day dating has made it virtually simpler. People are so comfortable behind the screens and profiles that a long-distance, a cyber relationship will pass as having someone. Does it though?