By: Natasha Archary
Earlier this week Nota Baloyi made headlines for sexist comments he made about Mihlali Ndamase. Putting his marriage under the public microscope many looked to his wife Berita for an explanation.
Berita shared that she’s no longer married to Nota and that the two have been separated since January. Despite this, the conversation around why women are so often held accountable for their partner’s behaviour came up.
Sizwe Dhlomo and the Kaya Drive team delved into why people hold you accountable for your partner’s actions.
It’s almost as if the standard that your partner is expected to achieve is directly associated with you.
Although you’re both individuals, if you’re in a relationship or married, how they carry themselves in public and in private is a reflection of you.
The ladies on the team felt that women are often held accountable for their partner’s behaviour, and men generally get away with a lot.
“If he cheats on me, society tells me it’s what a man does. I’m told to be a better wife or mother so my husband will want to come back.”
When a woman cheats
In the patriarchal construct of most African households, men are not held accountable for their shortcomings in a relationship.
However, if a woman brings disrepute to her husband then it’s a shame she bears on her own, and is ousted by the family, being labelled all types of vile names.
A perfect example of this would be Jada and Will Smith. As it’s public knowledge that Jada had an affair and admitted this to Will, who forgave her. But society did not.
Jada has come under intense public scrutiny for subjecting Will to public humiliation, making a mockery of their marriage vows and has been labelled toxic and manipulating.
Had it been Will who admitted to having an affair, then Jada would have been advised to stick it out for the sake of her family.
There would be men and woman rallying behind Will, passing off his behaviour as “something men do.” Why the double standard?
Being held accountable for your partner’s actions
For Siz, as long as his family knows and is okay with whatever it is his partner did, it’s okay with him too.
He doesn’t care about the opinion of anyone else and will not hold his partner to such societal scrutiny. Taking accountability is something the Kaya Drive presenter prides himself on and it’s for this reason he maintains a private life.
This is also why he will not put himself in a situation that could possibly mar his reputation.
While a few Kaya Drive listeners shared that they have on occasion been held accountable for something their partner did, it reiterated the point that the person you choose to be with has to have the same values as you.
“You can get embarrassed by the one you love. It’s important to have someone by your side who will protect your reputation as you would guard theirs.”
Also read: Feel Good: Signs you’ve been with your partner too long
