By Zuko Komisa
Anonymous is torn between familial obligation and personal happiness after his mother asked him to delay marrying the woman he loves until his younger brother finishes university.
Having lifted his family out of poverty, bought them a home, and funded his brother’s education, he feels immense guilt for wanting to move forward with his own life.
Although his partner supports his family responsibilities and he insists his financial commitment will not waver, he feels trapped between soothing his mother’s fear of abandonment and sacrificing his own future to remain the family’s primary provider.
Uncle T, I’m the eldest of three siblings. We were raised by a single mother who worked as a domestic worker. Life wasn’t easy, but she made sure we never went without. I worked hard, earned a bursary, started working while still studying, and built a successful career. One of my proudest moments was buying my mother and siblings a home.
Today, I’m 32 and ready to marry the woman I love. When I told my mother I wanted to send a letter to my girlfriend’s family, she asked me to wait. Her reason is that my younger brother is only in his second year of university, and I currently pay for much of his education and living expenses. She worries that once I’m married, my priorities will naturally shift to my own household, leaving my siblings vulnerable. She’d rather my brother graduate first.
The truth is, I don’t believe marriage will change my commitment to my family. My girlfriend has always known about my responsibilities and has never asked me to choose between her and them. I understand my mother’s concerns, but I also feel like my own life is being put on hold because I’m the family’s breadwinner.
As the eldest, I can’t shake the guilt of choosing myself. At what point does responsibility become self-sacrifice? And if you’ve spent years building everyone else’s future, when do you finally get permission to build your own? Do I have a blind spot?
– Annonymous
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