Katlego Sekhu
A listener is feeling hurt and unsettled after being sidelined during a milestone moment in her partner’s life. Despite being in a committed relationship for three years, she found herself excluded from the planning of his surprise 35th birthday celebration, leaving her questioning her place in his family.
While her boyfriend insists it was not personal and attributes it to his family’s need for control, she cannot shake the feeling that she is still treated more like a guest than a partner.
“Two weeks ago, my boyfriend’s family organised a surprise 35th birthday party for him. His sister informed me of the plans and sent me an invitation in November. However, whenever I attempted to be involved or ask questions, I felt excluded. Instead of asking me to bring him to the surprise, they asked his best friend.
“This decision unsettled me. I attended the party but did not stay long because I felt out of place. I understand that I am his girlfriend, but we have been together for three years, and his family knows me well. What hurt most was the realisation that I was not trusted or included in a significant moment in his life, despite knowing him intimately and consistently supporting him. I genuinely believed they would have involved me more in something so important. I later shared my feelings with my boyfriend.
“His explanation is that his family likes to be in control and encouraged me not to take it personally. He said, i better get used to it, because they are soon going to be my family. However, I cannot shake the feeling that after three years, I am still treated more like a guest than a partner-included enough to attend but not enough to belong. He is from a well-educated and well-to-do family living in the suburbs.
“I grew up ekasi, well-educated and doing well for myself. Before you say I am not married to him, then why is it that when it comes to other matters involving their family, they will inform me? This brought up unnecessary anxiety about how they run as a family. And should he propose that they are now going to make me consider them first before saying yes. Am I unreasonable for feeling this way, and what could be my blind spot?”
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