By Mapaballo Borotho
- Consent is a voluntary, informed and ongoing agreement to take part in any sexual activity.
- Being in a relationship or having had sex before does not mean someone has consented every time.
- Understanding the difference between consent and coercion is essential in preventing sexual violence.
A majority of people still do not fully understand the concept of consent in relationships. There is a common misconception that when a woman agrees to be in a relationship with a man, it automatically means that one partner is entitled to the other’s body.
However, being in a relationship does not mean consent is automatic. Consent must be freely given every time.
Understanding consent
According to research from various institutions, consent happens when people involved in any kind of sexual activity agree to take part by choice.
Everyone has the right to decide whether or not they want to have sex or engage in any other form of sexual activity, including kissing, sexual touching or performing a sexual act.
People also have the right to change their minds at any time. Someone may consent to one sexual activity but not another.
According to the National Department of Health, any sexual activity without consent is considered sexual violence.
Consent does not always have to be verbal. However, it must always be clear, voluntary and freely given.
When someone cannot give consent
Someone does not have the freedom or capacity to consent to sexual activity if they:
- Are asleep or unconscious.
- Are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
- Have had their drink spiked.
- Are below the legal age of consent.
- Have a mental health condition or illness that prevents them from making an informed decision.
- Are being pressured, bullied, manipulated, tricked or frightened into saying “yes”.
- Are being forced through physical violence or threats.
The Department of Health says if someone is unsure whether their partner is consenting, they should always stop and ask.
“If they can see or suspect that the other person is not completely comfortable or happy with what is happening, they should stop immediately,”.
What does consent look like?
Consent includes:
- Enthusiastically saying “yes”.
- Checking in with your partner by asking questions such as: “Is this okay?”, “Do you want to slow down?” or “Do you want to stop?”
- Respecting someone’s decision if they say “no”.
- Accepting someone’s decision without trying to pressure, persuade or manipulate them into changing their mind.
What consent does not look like
Consent does not include:
- Having sex with someone while they are asleep or unconscious.
- Continuing with sexual activity after someone has pulled away, frozen or appears uncomfortable.
- Assuming someone wants sex because they flirted with you, accepted a drink or wore certain clothing.
- Assuming someone wants sex because you’ve had sex with them before.
- Removing a condom during sex after your partner agreed to sex only with a condom (commonly known as “stealthing”).
If someone asks you to stop during a sexual encounter and you continue, you may be committing a sexual offence.
Consent applies to everyone, regardless of gender.
What is sexual coercion?
Sexual coercion is when someone is pressured, manipulated or intimidated into agreeing to sexual activity that they do not freely want.
Examples include:
- Repeatedly asking for sex after someone has already said “no”.
- Threatening to end the relationship if your partner refuses to have sex.
- Making someone feel guilty by saying things like, “If you loved me, you would.”
- Using money, gifts or financial support to pressure someone into sex.
- Threatening violence or using fear to obtain sex.
If someone agrees to sex because they feel they have no real choice, that is not freely given consent.
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