Zuko Komisa
An anonymous husband, feeling emasculated, is struggling with his in-laws’ financial assistance.
Since losing his job and taking a significant pay cut, his wife, who comes from a wealthy background, has turned to her parents for support. This includes having her father pay for her university studies and regularly receiving groceries and other supplies from her mother. While he appreciates the help during a difficult time, the husband feels it undermines his role as a provider and makes him appear incapable of caring for his family.
He is seeking advice on whether to address this respectfully with his father-in-law or to simply be grateful for the help.
“Uncle T, my wife and I have been married for four years now. Unfortunately, not long after our wedding, I was retrenched. Thankfully, I managed to find another job, but it came with a significant pay cut. My wife is an only child and what many would call a “cheese girl.” She’s never really had to work; she helps her mother with her catering business from time to time. Earlier this year, she told me she wants to study further. I explained that, financially, we’re not in a position to take on varsity fees right now, and she agreed – or so I thought. Later, I found out she had asked her father to pay for her studies. I didn’t like it; it stung a bit. I felt like I had failed her, that she had to go to her dad because I couldn’t provide. Still, I told myself: it’s her father, and at least she’s progressing. What’s really been bothering me lately, though, is something else.
Every time she visits her parents, she comes back with bags, food, toiletries and snacks. And this happens regularly. Now, despite my lower salary, I make sure that we do our monthly grocery shopping, and that the house is never without. My wife and kids don’t go to bed hungry; I make sure of that. I finally told my wife that this thing of coming back with food makes me uncomfortable. It makes me look like I can’t take care of my family.
She says her mom just buys, and she can’t really say no. Uncle T, I feel stripped of my manhood. When a man takes a wife, his main aim is to provide and protect. I feel like my in-laws are still doing that, and that bothers me. Would I be out of line to have a respectful conversation with my father-in-law and ask that they ease off a bit? Or should I just be grateful that they’re helping us during a tough time? I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but I also don’t want it to look like I’m incapable of taking care of my family. What could be my blind spot here? – Anonymous”
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