Katlego Sekhu
Anonymous has been with her husband for 12 years. He paid lobola in 2014, but the wedding she hoped for never followed, as he has shown no interest in taking that step. Together they are raising two children.
In 2015, while pregnant, she learned she was HIV positive. Her husband stood by her through that time, but over the years the relationship has grown emotionally distant. Because they mostly use condoms, he tells her he is left sexually frustrated, and when she tries to initiate intimacy he says he is not emotionally available.
Last year she discovered he had become emotionally involved with another woman, and when she confronted him he showed little remorse, saying the woman had been there when he needed support. Months later she found messages suggesting he was growing close to someone else, including talk of travelling together. He denied wrongdoing and once again pointed to their sex life. What stays with her is the sense that her HIV status, something she cannot change, is being treated as the reason for his behaviour.
Reaching out to The Best T in the City with Tbose, Anonymous wants to know if there are any blind spots she might be missing.
“Uncle T, my husband and I have been together for 12 years. He paid lobola in 2014, but despite my hopes of having a wedding and completing the mahlabiso process, he has never shown interest in taking that next step.
“In 2015, while pregnant, I discovered I was HIV positive. He stood by me during that difficult time, and together we’ve raised our two children. But over the years, our relationship has become emotionally distant. Because of my HIV status, we mostly use condoms, and my husband says this leaves him sexually frustrated. To the point that whenever I try to initiate intimacy, he tells me he’s not emotionally available. We rarely hug, kiss, or show affection, and I often feel rejected and alone in my own marriage.
“Last year, I discovered he was emotionally involved with another woman. He told her things I’ve longed to hear from him for years. When I confronted him, he showed little remorse and said she had been there for him when he needed support. We tried to move forward, but the trust was damaged.
“A few months later, I found messages suggesting he was growing close to another woman and even discussing travelling with her. He denied anything inappropriate, but once again showed little concern for how it affected me. Instead, he blamed his behaviour on our sex life.
“What hurts most is feeling as though my HIV status is being used to justify his emotional and possibly physical unfaithfulness-something I cannot change. I am shuttered. Part of me wants to keep fighting for the family we’ve built. Another part wonders whether I’m holding on to a relationship where I no longer feel loved, desired, or emotionally safe. At what point do you stop fighting for a relationship and accept that you are alone in it?
“If my husband never changes, is this marriage enough for me? Have I spent years accepting emotion, crumbs, because I was grateful he stayed after my HIV diagnosis? Why do I keep focusing on the other women instead of the man who keeps choosing them?”
To hear the full Blind Spot, listen to the podcast.
Read Next: PICS: Siphiwe ‘Shabba’ Tshabalala completes Harvard Business School programme
