Grief is more than missing someone who has died. From sudden waves of sadness to mourning the future you imagined with them, here are different ways loss can affect us.
By Mapaballo Borotho
Losing someone you love is one of the most difficult experiences many people will face. Although death is an inevitable part of life, knowing that loss is unavoidable does not make it any easier to navigate the pain that comes with it.
Grief is deeply personal, and there is no universal timeline for healing. Some people struggle to come to terms with their loss immediately, while others find that the pain resurfaces months or even years later, sometimes when they least expect it.
As Mental Health Awareness Month draws to a close, HelpGuide.org, a mental health information resource, highlights the importance of understanding grief and finding healthy ways to cope with loss.
“The pain of grief can also disrupt your physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss, and the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be,” HelpGuide.org explains.
While people often associate grief exclusively with death, it can also follow other significant life changes, including the end of a relationship, moving away from home, changing jobs or losing a way of life that once felt familiar.
10 words and concepts that may help you understand grief
Grief does not always look the way we expect it to. Sometimes it is an overwhelming wave of sadness; at other times, it is the quiet realisation that someone is missing from an ordinary moment.
Here are 10 words and concepts that describe different experiences associated with loss.
1. Saudade: Missing someone and the life you shared
Saudade is a Portuguese word that describes a deep sense of longing for someone or something that is absent.
In the context of grief, it can describe the ache of missing someone while recognising that life can never return to exactly what it was before their loss.
It may be the feeling that washes over you when you remember their voice, revisit a place you shared or realise how much you would give to experience one more ordinary day with them.
2. Continuing bonds: Keeping a connection with someone who has died
Losing someone does not necessarily mean that your emotional connection with them disappears.
The concept of continuing bonds describes the ways people maintain a sense of connection with a loved one after their death.
You might find yourself talking to them in your thoughts, preparing their favourite meal, following advice they once gave you, or seeing something beautiful and wishing they could experience it with you.
3. Grief bursts: When sadness returns without warning
You could be going about your day, reading a book, cooking dinner or sitting in traffic when something unexpectedly reminds you of the person you lost.
Suddenly, the pain feels fresh again.
These moments are sometimes described as grief bursts or waves of grief. They may be triggered by a song, a familiar smell, a photograph or something as simple as hearing someone laugh in a way that reminds you of your loved one.
Experiencing these moments does not necessarily mean you are moving backwards in your healing. Grief can resurface even as you learn to live with your loss.
4. Anniversary reactions: When significant dates bring back the pain
Birthdays, death anniversaries, holidays and other meaningful dates can bring renewed feelings of sadness.
Sometimes, the anticipation of a date can be just as difficult as the day itself. You might notice changes in your mood as an anniversary approaches, even before you consciously connect those feelings to the loss.
5. Disenfranchised grief: When you feel you are not allowed to mourn
Not every loss receives the same recognition or understanding from other people.
Disenfranchised grief describes grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially accepted or adequately supported.
This may happen when a relationship was complicated, when the person you lost was someone others did not know you were close to, or when people around you do not understand why the loss hurts so deeply.
You may feel that you have to hide your sadness because you fear being judged or told that you have no reason to grieve.
However, the complexity of a relationship does not erase the significance it may have held in your life.
6. Secondary loss: Mourning everything else that changes
Sometimes, losing a loved one also means losing the everyday experiences and routines that were built around having them in your life.
You may grieve the person themselves while also mourning Sunday phone calls, family traditions, shared responsibilities, familiar celebrations or the comfort of knowing they were always available to speak to.
These are often described as secondary losses: the additional changes and losses that follow a major loss.
They can be difficult to explain because they may appear small to someone looking from the outside, yet feel enormous to the person experiencing them.
7. Anticipatory grief: Grieving before a loss happens
Grief can begin before someone has died.
Anticipatory grief describes the emotional response that may arise when you know a significant loss is approaching, such as when someone you love is living with a life-limiting illness.
You may begin mourning the future you hoped to share, feel anxious about what lies ahead or struggle with the uncertainty of not knowing how much time remains.
These emotions can exist alongside love, hope and the desire to make the most of the time you still have together.
Anticipatory grief does not mean you have stopped hoping. It reflects the emotional weight of facing a possible future without someone important to you.
8. The empty-chair feeling: Noticing someone’s absence
There may be a particular seat at the family table that someone always occupied, a parking bay they used at work or a place on the couch where they sat every evening.
After their death, those familiar spaces can become powerful reminders of their absence.
Although ‘the empty-chair feeling’ is not a formal clinical diagnosis, it is a relatable way to describe the experience of noticing the space someone once filled in your everyday life.
You can be surrounded by friends and family and still feel the absence of the one person you wish were there.
9. Memory grief: The fear of forgetting
Memories can become precious after someone dies. Over time, however, you may find that certain details become harder to recall.
Perhaps you remember what their face looked like but struggle to picture their exact expression. Maybe you can remember their laughter but cannot quite hear it in your mind as clearly as you once could.
This can bring a new wave of sadness, especially when you worry that time will gradually blur the details of someone you desperately want to remember.
10. Future grief: Mourning the life you thought you would share
Sometimes, what hurts most is not only what you have lost, but everything that will never happen.
You may grieve the conversations you thought you would have, the trips you planned to take together, the birthdays they will not attend or the person they would have become as they grew older.
This experience is sometimes described as future grief: mourning the imagined future that can no longer unfold in the way you expected.
It can be particularly painful during milestones, when you instinctively wish someone were there to celebrate with you.
How can you cope with grief?
There is no single way to grieve, and healing does not mean forgetting the person or experience you have lost.
HelpGuide.org notes that even less obvious losses, such as moving away from home, graduating or changing jobs, can trigger feelings of grief.
Allowing yourself to acknowledge those feelings can be an important starting point. You may find comfort in speaking to people you trust, maintaining meaningful rituals, writing down your thoughts or giving yourself time to adjust without placing a deadline on your healing.
It is also important to seek professional support if grief becomes difficult to manage, significantly affects your daily life or leaves you feeling persistently overwhelmed.
A qualified mental health professional can help you work through your emotions and identify ways to cope.
Above all, remember that grief is not a competition, and there is no correct timeline for missing someone.
Some days may feel manageable, while others may bring back emotions you thought had softened. Both experiences can be part of learning to live with loss.
You do not have to rush your healing, and you do not have to navigate it alone.
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