‘The more kids we had, the more distant my husband seemed to become from my daughter’ – The Blind Spot

Anonymous is caught between a husband who says he has done his part and a daughter who may be feeling pushed aside.

Katlego Sekhu

'The more children we had, the more distant my husband seemed to become from my daughter' - The Blind Spot — Photo by cottonbro studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/girl-in-yellow-jacket-sitting-beside-man-in-blue-long-sleeves-6595040/

When Anonymous married her husband, she already had a five-year-old daughter. Her father was initially reluctant to let the child move with them, but her husband insisted, promising that the little girl would never feel like she wasn’t his child.

For years, he kept that promise. He fetched her from school, helped with homework and took her everywhere, and his family embraced her. But as the couple had children of their own, Anonymous noticed him growing more distant from her eldest. He still provides for her and helps when she asks, but the affection has gone.

Now 16, her daughter has become moody, withdrawn and at times disrespectful, and her husband says he does not want to live with a child who behaves that way. He maintains that he loves her and that, after raising and providing for her for more than ten years, he should not be made the villain because their relationship has changed. Anonymous, who wonders whether she was too focused on building her new family to notice what was happening, believes that if this is his position, he should be the one to move out.

Reaching out to The Best T in the City with Tbose, Anonymous wants to know if there are any blind spots she might be missing, and whether her daughter’s attitude is creating the distance or is a reaction to feeling pushed aside.

To hear the full discussion, listen to the podcast.

“Uncle T, when I met my husband, I already had a five-year-old daughter. My father was initially reluctant to let her move with us when we married, but my husband insisted: “She will never feel like she isn’t my child. And for years, he kept that promise. He fetched her from school, helped with homework, took her everywhere, and his family embraced her.

“Then we had our first child together. The more children we had, the more distant my husband seemed to become from my daughter. It wasn’t that he was mean to her. That’s what makes this so difficult. He would still fetch her from school. He would help her with things when she asked. He still provides for her and does what is necessary, but the affection disappeared.

“She too stopped going everywhere with him; his family saw her less, and somewhere along the way she seemed to go from “our daughter” to “your daughter.” She’s now 16 and has become moody, withdrawn and sometimes disrespectful. My husband says he doesn’t want to live with a child who behaves like that. I don’t excuse her behaviour; it is adolescence. But I keep thinking of the promise he made to my father. It looks like my husband promised to treat and raise her like his own, but it seems as though that was a conditional promise.

“And I blame myself too. Maybe I was so busy building our new family that I ignored what was happening to the child who was already there. My husband insists he loves her and says that after raising and providing for her for more than ten years, he shouldn’t suddenly be made the villain because their relationship has changed. But I’m terrified that one day my daughter will say: Mom, you watched him stop loving me and did nothing,” or worse “I hate my siblings.”

“But I keep wondering: Is her attitude creating the distance, or is she reacting to feeling pushed aside? Parents normally ask, ‘How do we deal with our child?’ My husband’s sounds like he is saying, “I did my part; I don’t want to live with her anymore.” And if that is the case, he is the one who must move out. Am I wrong?”

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